I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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