What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize