Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Randomize
