it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
i may or may not be watching the land before time
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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