I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
