im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
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