I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
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