He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
