barbara walters just said penis...
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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