Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
