so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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