My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
