Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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