what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
