my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I'm passing your future prison.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
