we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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