Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize