It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
