i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
