i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
