I'm so fucking centered right now
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
