Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
