Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
