You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
