I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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