she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
