i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
