I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Randomize
