what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Randomize
