got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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