Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
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