I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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