My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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