I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I want you more than these girls want KFC
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
