Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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