i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
