Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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