Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
