Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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