I heard we made out
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
