i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
