Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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