If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
