Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
