woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
this is an emotional support booty call
Pants are for mortals
did i just pee glitter
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
