i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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