i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
