ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
i think i just lost a toe
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize