I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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