I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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