I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Randomize