Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
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