sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
