I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Randomize
