I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
