You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
