Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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