You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
