She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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