On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
